the blame game
Recently both my SS (6 & 8) had parent-teacher conferences. Since my husband has a very odd schedule (he works 4 tens so the boys have him as entirely as possible while they're here 1/2 of every week) he was unable to attend. Of course bio-mom went and only when asked told DH how it went. She barely mentioned our 6 year old who is getting extra tutoring for a speech issue he has, instead opting to recall that our 3rd graders teacher mentioned some issues he is having trying to be a class clown of such at school. Here is my deal: I agree that disrupting the teaching environment is inappropriate behavior and needs to be addressed. In fact, we HAVE addressed this issue with him in the very recent past. However, all bio-mom wants to do is tell my DH how it is HIS fault. My husband has a great sense of humor and (like myself and a LOT of others) uses his humor to talk/work through issues. While it is sometimes frustrating, I'm sure, it's something people do. Since he is one of those people she is saying that WE need to change things because it is all OUR fault that our 9 year old is acting out. She fails to realize that perhaps there are aspects from all around him that teach him this behavior (there are even a few boys in our neighborhood we feel can be rude, but we address that accordingly). For instance she lets them watch "iCarly" and other live-action shows like this. We don't have cable and being that I cannot STAND that crap, it's RARELY an option on netflix or online when we do get something for them to watch. Those shows teach sarcasm and rude behavior and the boys watch that EVERY afternoon at her house. Pretty much all they do there is watch TV and play video games. I guess I am just really frustrated that she is blaming us instead of perhaps evaluating how she may be contributing to the issue at hand. I've told DH to email his teacher so that she can have a dialog with us because we are better equipped to handle these issues and resolve them rather than point fingers! So frustrating and I just wish she would go back into her little hole and focus on getting her own shit together instead of trying to always find something to blame us for!!!
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Comment by Roseyblossom on December 16, 2009 at 12:37am
- Last year my SS was in the 1st grade and his behavior was so bad that he was breaking school supplies, that weren't his and being removed from the class because no one wanted to be around him. I found out about it then had to have hubby call his ex and let her know. She was mad that I knew what was going on before her, but that's just because I keep up with what the kids are doing....cause, yeah, that's what parents do right? Anyway, she had complained to the hubby that she was having issues with his behavior at home and he wouldn't listen to her and she wanted hubby to fix it. Well, it's hard to fix something that isn't occuring in your house. What's hubby supposed to do? Go over anytime she complains about the kids? I think not. There's no accountability in their house so we were sure to hold him accountable at ours when we got bad reports. You guys just keep doing the best you can with them while their at your house. When they make mistakes, remember that they have a mind of their own and it's not necessarily a reflection on you. Keep up the good work and try not to get too discouraged!
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Comment by His Rock? on November 8, 2009 at 5:25am - Been there done that. Biomom is always blaming biodad for the kids issues. Until I taught him not to engage in her opinions it was frustrating. It still is when I hear the baloney she comes up with. Your DH has to ruffle feathers for the sake of the kids but, as you know, you can't force him to. Be patient but persistent and hopefully he will come on board. As I always say to DH, it's for the kids.
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Comment by skeeter777 on November 6, 2009 at 2:56pm - The only problem is that I am much more willing to ask questions but have been told to NOT ask and that if I do I am breaking privacy laws. My DH doesn't like ruffling feathers even though from my point of view it seems worth it. It's just aggravating and I don't even talk to BM. I try to just ignore her as much as possible. It's tough, though. Thanks, however, for your support :)
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Comment by neemeese on November 6, 2009 at 2:32pm -
Sounds like BM is trying to get a rise out of you two... and it's working.
Ignore the finger pointing (I know - easier said than done) and just address the facts. What are the facts? SS has some behavior issues... okay... work with BM and the school/teachers to come up with a plan to address the issue most effectively. Other SS has speech classes/issues... okay... again, talk to school directly and talk to BM about the FACT of speech issues and how to aid SS in getting the guidance and such that he needs.
When she starts the finger pointing and placing blame... ignore it. If you must say something, make it a comment such as, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then move back to the FACTS of the issue. You will never convince her that you/DH aren't to blame, and she will never convince either of you that she's NOT at least partially to blame. So just drop it and move on. Eventually she should get the message once she sees that she can't create drama like she wants to.
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