Secrets

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Comment by Dixie on January 6, 2010 at 3:17pm

I went through this with my daughter and her BF and stepmom. They were extremely mentally manipulative, verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive (her SM) to my daughter (between the ages of 9-11). Her SM even went so far as to refer to me as “the whore” repeatedly in front of my daughter and to repeatedly tell her “your dad is the only parent that loves you”. My ex also arranged to work EVERY weekend that my daughter was at his house for visitation and tell my daughter that he had to work (and not be there with her) “to pay her child support.” I had full custody of my daughter who is now 20 and has minimal contact with her father and refuses to be in the same room with her “step-monster” as she refers to her SM. My daughter still sees a counselor and has for about 5 years. About a year ago (November 2008) my daughter spent a week in a psychiatric ward of a hospital because she had “cut” herself and it scared her. She asked for help because it had never happened before and she didn’t want to do it again. She admitted to the doctors that her father was the reason she was there. Through her teens, I continued to tell and show her that I loved her and she was a priority in my life. You may want to try to get her into counseling, if for no reason other than the fact that she is a child of divorce and also faced with a blended family situation. It is all to her benefit. Here BM can dislike it all she wants but there’s very little chance of it being turned against you (for trying to help your SD adapt as easily as possible). Instead of her calling you mommy and upsetting her BM, maybe you two can come up with a special nickname that she calls you that is special to only you and her. Like a variation of your name. I am a step grandmother and I refer to myself as Noni (his ex is called grandma) which is a variation of a grandmotherly type nickname. Also I’m only 39 and not quite ready to be a grandma or mawmaw. LOL!!! Keep your chin up and pray. I hope things work out to your benefit. Keep doing right and showing love.

Comment by Bev on December 28, 2009 at 9:34pm

Thank you for sharing this, it's nice to know that we're not alone sometimes! We went through the same thing w/ my husband's ex and our SD & SS (whom now we are totally estranged from) and my husband's daughter. Their mom got her identity from all the secrets, lies, and playing the role of "mommy martyr". It has been one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through, trying to deal with her instability and insecurities and watch her wreak havoc on the lives of the innocent kids. We told our SK's that if it was something very important then it was ok to tell us about it, and that it was not right to try to keep it a secret, and that we would not let their mom punish them for telling us. We've had to do this more than once. I agree totally with LeeAnn, when she said actions speak for themselves. Sometimes that's all you can do, is keep being the same loving, supporting, stable parents that you've always been, and then just pray that the rest will straighten out somehow. The painful thing is realizing how little control we have over the decisions of other people. It is enough to make you want to memorize the Serenity Prayer and say it to yourself several times a day. (that's what I did to help survive!) I had the same thing happen w/ the whole calling you mommy thing with my SD. We had her so much during the time when she was turning three that she started calling me mommy. Her older sis found out and told her mom about it. The mom sat all the kids down and told them that they were NEVER to call me mom, that I was the littlest one's SM only, and that I wasn't even the older ones SM, because they already had a SM with their BF. All the while we are taking care of these kids on a regular basis, whenever the Ex needed someone, and paying for whatever she needed help paying for. Their is a special place in Heaven for good stepparents! Just keep trying to teach your children what is good and right, and most importantly keep being good healthy role models for them. Hopefully that will get you through this rough time and the BM will have fun sitting in the huge hole she's dug for herself! Good luck, and hang in there!

Comment by LeeAnn Nelson on December 28, 2009 at 12:17pm

Wow! This is hard because your SD is so young and impressionable. Interesting just after she starts calling you “mommy”, her mother starts in with this junk. I am sure it's due to jealously and fear that you will take her place. Which we all know is ridiculous.

Ironically, I see some similarities between your story and my ex-boyfriend’s ex. specifically, the nasty talk about me to her daughter, who was right about the same age as your SD when I first came into the picture. As soon as I started getting close to her, she started saying horrific things. Like I am ugly and mean etc...etc..I was offended, shocked and sad when the SD repeated things to me, she flat out said, "You’re ugly" one day and when I asked her why she said it, she said "I don't know" How confusing for a little girl.

I stuck it out for almost 4 years and to be honest; in time it was my ACTIONS, not words that helped my relationship with the SD. She eventually trusted me and I believe I won out over any nonsense her mother spoke. I had a significantly different role compared to her mother, my SD and I had stuff we enjoyed doing together which helped bring us closer. She could depend on me and talk to me openly about a lot of things that were important to her. It took time, but kids seem to follow a grown-ups lead. Looking back I don’t know how I did it, but it was worth all the struggles along the way.

It was difficult and at times painful, but ultimately I felt I had a good relationship with the daughter, which was strong and respectful. The most important thing. The mother's words could not break our bond towards the end. & the struggles were less and less. Ultimately I did leave due to unrelated ex-wife issues. Only to deal with a new set of ex-wife issues with my husband. Guess as a step-mother and wife, we do the best we can to keep harmony and happiness within our core families. Protecting this is sometimes an everyday battle, but considering this is my 2nd round of this, I truly believe it does get easier in time.

Best of Luck. 'whoknows' also pegged it...Love, patience and compassion. Keep us posted.

Comment by Legs on December 28, 2009 at 12:04pm

My husband and I deal with this a lot. We know that their mother has tried to do everything she can to influence them that we are bad people. She has tried to keep them from us as much as possible. We are now only allowed to see them once a month, and that is when the children force the issue, and we are never allowed to have them for the whole weekend--she always has a reason that they have to be returned early. But there isn't anything you can do to change that. She won't ever change, and you can't change anything beyond the end of your noise, so the only thing you can change is you and the way you react or handle a situation. My husband and I have decided that when the children are with us they get shown lots of love--not only to them, but between us. The little bit of time that we have with them is our only chance to show them what a normal, loving family is like. I've found that when they need to talk, they talk--no mater what anyone tells them not to say--and normally they come to me to talk. We don't prod or push them about what goes on at their mothers house. And when they do talk, we try very hard not to mention or use what we hear against their mother unless it is putting the children in danger. Unfortunately we don't get to protect our children from other people. It's not always possible to protect them from themselves.

Comment by whoknows on December 28, 2009 at 2:32am

Just be as understanding and patient with her as you can.I don't know if anyone has talked to her about "good" secrets and "bad" secrets. I talk with middle school girls groups about something that is personal (good/bad/indifferent) or a surprise (good) or a secret (bad). That if it makes them feel bad inside then it's not something that they should keep in, because when they let it out they will feel better. That everybody needs an adult they can trust to talk about things with and I always ask if everyone does. I've noticed that if you start talking about nothing (like what they did at school or what they did at their friend's house or what tv show they watched) the issue somehow winds up getting brought up by them. Sometimes something else will come up, they'll talk about that, and then it leads to other things.

Just make things as safe and warm as you possibly can until the play therapist can give you more direction. The worst thing to do is wait but the most important thing to do sometimes is to be patient. You can always draw pictures with her and have her tell you about them, but of course make sure to react appropriately and warmly if she does wind up sharing things that are upsetting. (That's why it's good to have the therapist as a neutral third party :).

Best of luck. My fiance's ex calls to say that his child is upset about this or that or can't talk to him or thinks he's upset or on and on. Supposedly mom is the only one the child can confide in, or maybe it's just a power play. It's excruciating to not have any control over what other people do, especially to sweet innocent children. Sometimes, when you can't get rid of the bad stuff, you just have to outweigh it with logic and love.

I really hope everything works out great for you and your family.