Home alone. A day off washed out!

Comment

Comment by turquoise28 on January 7, 2010 at 12:43am

Thanks to all who commented.No one was too preachy :)
UPDATE:
We talked about it last night and I told him how angry I was about everything. We planned time together for Thursday and set aside least a day a week . He has asked sd and ss to donate some clothes to salvation army. Boundaries were set so that there are no double standards.
Side note: I have 3 natural children. (son)20 yrs,(son)18 yrs who is home with us full time and (daughter)12 who is home M-F and every 3rd weekend, with Dad Fri. after school til he drops her off to school Mon.

Comment by Legs on January 6, 2010 at 5:09pm

I don't think you are over reacting. Sometimes I have to remind my husband that we are a new couple and we need to work on building our relationship--and we don't have any live-in children. I know that weather you share step children or natural children, all couples need date night. One night a week should be spent together, just the two of you. No chores, no grocery shopping, nothing work related. It is what keeps the relationship young and alive. It can be as simple as sitting at home watching a movie and eating pop corn--alone, just the two of you. In addition to date night, you need some "me" time. These are the things that keep us sane and allows us to work through the next week. Best wishes.

Comment by Dixie on January 6, 2010 at 2:03pm

I reread my response and it sounded kinda preachy (sorry) so I am adding to it here………You ARE a priority in YOUR life and relationship. The more responsibility that the children take for their THEIR chores, actions etc. is the more time that is freed up for you two to enjoy YOUR relationship. Does that make sense??? You deserve a break so take it…..please. Do something for yourself and announce it to the group as a whole maybe. Like on a Saturday for instance, make it “do for yourself Saturday” and they can make themselves something to eat and clean up after themselves. Declare it a day of rest and reconnection . Talk to your fiancé about it and stick together because a united front is so important. Things really do happen for a reason, maybe this is the instance and the new year to change the “cause” and therefore change the “effect.” Keep us updated please.

Comment by Dixie on January 6, 2010 at 11:23am

I usually don’t comment (which I probably should) but just read and absorb. At 11 and especially 15, kids should be able to do their own laundry. I was a single mom for 10 years and raised my then 9 yr old (Now 20) and 6 yr old (now 17) to be responsible for themselves using this logic: “You need to learn to do (blank – laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.) for yourself. My mother isn’t over here at our house everyday doing (blank) for me and I won’t be at your house everyday doing it either.” As someone already said, It IS a parent’s responsibility to teach a child responsibility. Not to enable them to continue their behavior. Responsibility for their actions and their words. I let my kids know that I NEEDED their cooperation for us to succeed, that is was US against the world and if we didn’t all do our part then it would be hard on ALL of us. Maybe your fiancé should load the 11 and 15 yr old up and take them with him to do THEIR laundry. They can then see the consequences of their actions (using multiple towels and wearing multiple outfits in a day) and the effort it entails to get them clean (cause and effect.) As for the Christmas items being left on the floor (which is a HUGE HUGE pet peeve of mine – no appreciation is the message this action sends) casually walk in and pick it (them) up and essentially “take it back”. If the child is present and they protest, simply state that they must not appreciate or like the item since it was left where it could be trampled on or removed by a sibling so you will find someone that “needs” it as they clearly don’t. My daughter would throw her clothes on the floor of her room and walk on them every day, so instead of yelling at her to pick them up I would just go in and gather them up and put them in a trash bag and put them somewhere (usually in the attic or in my bedroom closet) when she asked I told her I donated them to the Salvation Army (or somewhere similar) so that kids that didn’t have clothes (a NEED) could make good use of them since she didn’t show any appreciation by putting them in her hamper. One Thanksgiving, I took my kids to a local soup kitchen to serve so that they could see kids their age come through that line and know that these kids weren’t as fortunate as they are. It’s about recognizing the lesson in a situation and the CONSEQUENCES of their actions and Yes it’s about being the “BAD GUY” sometimes. I always told my kids “I worry about the things I do today that affect the adult you will become and the example I set with MY actions.” Kids are mimics and they typically think that the things that their parents say and do is the way that the world should be. Leading by example and taking responsibility are two of the most important lessons I tried to instill in my children. I’ll be praying for you guys. Good Luck!

Comment by Bev on January 6, 2010 at 1:48am

I think the bottom line is you want to feel appreciated for all that you do for the family and also valued for who you are as a woman, who you were before taking on the hectic role of a stepmom trying to do her best. It is easy to lose that identity inbetween everyone's busy schedules and piling laundry. I have been there done that definately. The truth is that even tho it is hard, almost impossible to do at times, if the relationship as a couple is not maintained, everything else falls apart over time. The kids start playing you off each other, the stress of everything starts getting to you, then pretty soon you are taking everything out on each other. I have decided I need to make some major changes for myself and my family in order to have some sanity in 2010. One thing we are doing is trying to get rid of all the stuff we don't love or use anymore, including clothes. Maybe with less clothes around, it won't be so burdensome. I know it's easier said than done. My kids are pack rats! As far as the towel issue goes, it's a battle sometimes to get them to remember to hang them back up in the bathroom so they can use them more than once, but they've gotten better at with time. I bought white towels with different colored stripes on each one so everyone had their own. So if they use it, they hang it up, or they have to use a damp stinky towel the next time! As far as couple time, that gets really tricky to fit in, and we feel like our cups are bone dry sometimes! I agree w/AllyVP, that best case scenario, it could have been a fun time to grab some Chinese and hang out and talk at the laundromat. But worst case, you're already bitter about why you have to be there in they first place, and pissed off thinking about all the fun things you could do instead, and then get into a big fight! Hold your ground. Kids need responsibility and boundaries, and they need a good example of a healthy relationship from two people that care for each other. You will never regret giving that to them. Maybe with a little creativity and flexability you two can make it happen. Good luck, and hang in there!

Comment by whoknows on January 5, 2010 at 11:52pm

I agree about the consequences though. If you make time for yourself and make your relationships a priority, sure the kids' clothes might stay dirty, but they might also learn how to wash them. :)

Comment by whoknows on January 5, 2010 at 11:50pm

Nope. Sounds like hubby needs to lay down some ground rules. Parents are responsible for teaching their children to be, ehem, responsible. It's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do and to ask that something be done about it. It's important to be able to recognize your limits (good job) and to ask for help (you can do it).

Comment by turquoise28 on January 5, 2010 at 9:39pm

I'm very grateful for this site and being able to vent to other who can relate and help me muddle through these range of emotions that I am feeling. Thanks

Comment by turquoise28 on January 5, 2010 at 9:27pm

I do understand what you are saying. I'm just upset because he's been working late every night including tomorrow. He's at the laundry mat doing his kids clothes not the family clothes. I'm home. (I was asking him for a date... that we spend a little time together tonight) before the kids came home even if he could cut down the loads to a couple of bags because this is a weekly event to the tune of 70 dollars. We wash all the clothes but we always have to put that extra effort for theirs because they wear too many items in a day over a course of 4 days. I'm just trying to calm down so the whole evening is not an angry one. I do appreciate your situation and your perspective, and that we can spend time together . That is a blessing. Thank you :) I'm sending you my prayers and blessings thanks again.

Comment by AllyVP on January 5, 2010 at 9:03pm

It's really draining when you have that many people relying on you. Most women would readily admit it's hard to juggle work, kids and husbands, let alone when you're a stepparent 'stepping up' for the children's sake. It's rough and it can get on top of you unless you set aside and protect time just for your relationship - but your fiance needs to commit to setting aside and protecting that "us" time too! As for your stepkids, well they clearly need some discipline. Using a new towel everytime they shower is environmentally wasteful and frankly selfish. If they want to do that, they should go to laundromat and pay for all the towels to be washed!! Your fiance should have said something to them along the lines of how disrespectful it is to be given a gift then dump it on the floor, (if it were me those gifts would now be confiscated or better - donated to a charity that really needs them). Perhaps I'm too strict or old fashioned, but I'm a big believer in consequences. Life will teach those children that being selfish gets them nowhere, life always throws obstacles in your path and its the people that pick themselves up and get on with it that succeed in the end.
Perhaps to prevent a repeat of the day I suggest the following: 1) before the leave for their other house, they need to tidy up and assemble their washing 2) you and your fiance need to commit to a specific goal to spend time together ie 1 night per week, 1 weekend per month, etc and then diarise it and protect it 3) this works for me...stepson goes away on a Friday morning, so I give myself Friday night to relax and spend time with hubby, then on Sat morning I attack any yucky jobs that need to be done or are left over as result of his week with us, then I give myself the rest of the week to relax and enjoy being a couple with no kids.
One more thing, if it's not too late...get some takeaway coffees and something dessertish and rock up at the laundromat - your fiance's probably lonely and bored out of his brain just as you are. Best wishes!!

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page